Tell me what you think of my prologue, please.?
I kept her hand firmly in mine, gripping it tighter as we moved further away.
“Aunt Clara, where are we going?”
I looked down at the beautiful child with flowing tawny hair and those bright blue eyes. My gaze rested on the bandage on her temple. Even with the injuries, she looked so much like her mother though the resemblance to her father was outstanding.
I shook my head to clear it. Meredyth trusted me. My sister believes that i’ll be able to keep her little girl safe, but i cant even believe it myself. She’s too special. Too rare.
“We are going to a friend’s house in a far away land called Maryland.” I said dully, forcing a smile onto my face. Four year olds can easily tell if something was wrong or out of place, and they always questioned it. Alex didnt.
I glanced back at the scene that was created. The rubble and broken bricks, still smoldering. That was once her home, of her parents home. Now it was nothing but trash to be picked up, and a memory of hers that will long be forgotten.
“Where’s mommy and daddy?”
I felt the sweat break across my forehead, my palms, between my breasts. I have no children of my own. How was i supposed to tell my four year old niece that her parents were in hiding and she may never see them again?
I stopped and kneeled down, taking both of her hands in mine. Her cheeks had a slight rosy tint to them, despite her having her fathers tan skin. Her mouth was still a dark blue from the blueberry popsicle i bought her an hour ago. She clumsily pushed the strands of free hair from her face, a flash of bubble gum-colored nail polish.
“Alex, sweetie, they…” i closed my eyes to think, “You wont see them for a long, long time.”
She bit down on her bottom lip, her chin starting to quiver.
“No, no! Dont cry, sweetie.” i held her close and wished with all my heart that she would live a happy life with her new family.
Kimberly Weston lived in a two-story home in Hampstead, Maryland, a small historic town full of parks and small shops on Main Street. I had to remind myself that i was the one to choose her as Alex’s new family and Kimberly would take good care of her. I began to worry about equality amongst the children, for she had a son also, named Keane. But Kimberly seems like a loving mother and she was estatic when i chose them.
This separation…It has left a giant hole in my chest, sharp with pain and eager to feed on sorrow. This is my sister’s daughter, my niece, my kin.
I tear escaped the corner of my eye, accidental.
I stared into the eyes of her father. The eyes of those who are my peoples enemy. The enemy with power so far beyond what i have.
“Do they live in a fairy tale?” she asked suddenly, her nose running.
I pulled her back to look at her, but her tear-streaked face was serious. She had no idea of how right, how insightful she was at four years of age.
My gaze shifted to the scenario fifty feet behind her, and realized that what she was living wasnt a fairy tale. It was a legend. A legend of one who was different, who must live among humans to stay alive.
“Yes, and your the princess.” i said truthfully.
I pulled her up into my arms and walked over to the van. It was packed with what little her father had given to me, little things like her blanket, her knapsack, and a tiny figurine that was seven-inch tall, thin-framed girl with long wavy hair. Her arm was extended to the sky, and a White Raven perched on her palm, its wings ready for flight.
“Come on, Princess.” i said shakily, setting her into the car seat in the back. I buckled the straps and seat belt, smoothed her hair. She settled herself in and closed her eyes, her cheeks perfectly rounded and plump.
I slid quietly into the drivers seat of the van, put the car in drive, and headed for Maryland.
With everything inside me, i kmew that in thirteen years, i would return in her life after this long separation. I would be there to do what her parents couldnt. I would be there to introduce her to the world of love and magic.
Answers show below in Comments section
I found it interesting how it transitioned from this tragedy that just occurred to introducing a mystery about the girl herself.
Good character insight and observation. Need to check for grammar and punctuation. Other than that, this can turn out to be a good story ^^
I really enjoyed it. =) This really catches my attention and leaves me wanting to know more about the girl and her past. Seriously, good work, and keep writing.
I’ll give you some constructive criticism, though it’s very little. There are a few mistakes concerning tense. Sometimes you switch from present to past.
Like, “My sister believes that i’ll be able to keep her little girl safe, but i cant even believe it myself. She’s too special. Too rare.”
should be: “My sister believed that I would be able to keep her little girl safe, but I had a hard time believing it myself. She was too special. Too rare.”
And a few mistakes concerning editing. For example, this: “”Come on, Princess.” i said shakily” should be “Come on, Princess,” I said shakily. When someone speaks, and you write, ‘he said’ or ‘she said’ after it, there should be a comma after the statement, not a period.
Other than those small mistakes, it’s great! Hope I helped, good luck with your story! =)